Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Short Thoughts on McKinney
Do I believe white privilege exists? Yes. Do I think the incident in McKinney had anything to do with race? No. We cannot turn every encounter between a white authoritative man and a black person about race. That does not help anybody. It only makes things worse. This was a pool party gone bad and nothing more. Teenage parties getting out of control have been happening since teenagers started throwing parties. The difference is that now we live in a nation where kids aren't getting disciplined and aren't expected to respect authority. And if you're a colored person these days, you're a straight up martyr if you're expected to respect a white person with authority. I'm not saying that the police officer didn't take it too far but I'm not saying he did either. I wasn't there so I don't know what happened during the HOURS that weren't recorded on that 5 minute video. And I find it hard to side with the nation full of people who weren't actually there when everything I have read from the residents that WERE there says that the officer was just doing everything he could to keep the large crowd under control and the residents safe. And where is the accountability for those kids that were so out of control? I mean the police were called FOR A REASON weren't they? I absolutely believe that those teens should also be held accountable for their wrongdoings as well. Instead, they are now a part of the martyr club and that's just ridiculous. All of that said, I also don't think that this story should have ever left the local boundaries of the DFW area. It should have been handled locally between the McKinney PD and the residents of the neighborhood that it happened in. Now we have a bunch of opinions from an entire nation full of "experts" who have no idea what the whole story is and don't even care what the whole story is. We have another group of kids that now feel entitled to their shenanigan behavior and a police officer who from what I can tell, doesn't have any kind of history of overstepping his bounds until this incident but now no longer has a job. Nobody wins here. Nobody.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Not So Pleasant Rainy Day Thoughts
It's raining. Again. And it just seemed appropriate to do some writing in this atmosphere so I thought I'd come tell just a little bit about my loveless love story since I really came back to blogger to write about that anyhow. I've just been hesitant because I don't know how much to share and how much not to share. I don't want this to become some sort of "here's my sad story so take pity" or "I want to bash my ex-husband" type of thing. That's not the point or the goal. If anything, I want my story to do some sort of good and show how redemption and healing are possible coming out of such a mess. Hopefully, that will be the end result of sharing some of this. I recently read this article that somebody shared on Facebook about the Duggar story that's all over social media right now. The writer's story is different from mine but it is similar in that it involves abuse and some of the things she said resonated with me on my struggle with deciding whether or not I should even share any of my story. I thought about how awful it would be if we ALL decided to close up and not talk about our experiences and how many of these stories would be ones that never healed. So I have decided that, yes, it is ok for me share at least some of my story. Because these words hit home for me..
"By shoving the story under the rug for the sake of your family or church community, you may save the perpetrator’s reputation and the reputation of those near him or her, but you lose important ground in becoming free. An untold story never heals. It just festers until it comes out in unwanted behavior.
Easy “forgivism” may gloss over the terrible situation in the short term, but it reinforces to everyone that the egregious, soul-siphoning sin committed against the victim was trivial, easy to get over... Of course I’m not advocating bitterness. And I fully welcome grace. God has the most beautiful ability to make beauty from ashes, and we are most like Him when we extend forgiveness. But that journey must be allowed to take the course in due time, not rushed, not forced, not prescribed."
So my story does involve abuse. And it really is tough for lots of different reasons. For one, I made mistakes in the marriage too so I don't want to come across as the sole victim that never did anything wrong. But if I'm being 100% completely honest, I'm quite positive that I came out of the relationship with the most scarring. While this doesn't justify my mistakes by any means, my bigger ones didn't come until I was already broken from the abuse that I had lived with for so long - the crap that had started from the beginning of our relationship and lasted the entire length of it - an entire decade. And I hate that I even use that word "victim" on myself. Hate. It. It makes me feel like I'm weak somehow and it's just... blah. Ugh. Now, I know some of you might be wondering, "If it started from the beginning, why did you stay with him and MARRY him?" Truthfully, I never did want to marry him. But for reasons that I may share later, I felt obligated to stay with him and see the relationship through. And the deeper in I got, the more obligated I felt. Plus I was young and naïve and I allowed myself to believe that once we got married, things would get better. I was genuinely happy on my wedding day by the time it actually came because I just knew that it was the end to the junk and the start of something better. I see how completely ridiculous that it is now, but it was hard to see clearly while in the midst of it all. I took the whole "I was young and dumb" cliché to the highest maximum level.
It's also tough coming out of an abusive relationship because with the exception of my 2 closest friends, Jennie and Laura, who have walked through this whole mess with me side-by-side, I don't think anyone can really comprehend what it was like. And it kind of sucks that most people will never really get it. Jennie and Laura get it because they literally went through everything with me. They were there for all of it so they know how everything went down AS it was happening. They shed a lot of tears with me and felt the sorrow I felt as I was feeling it. I was able to take off my "life is so grand and happy!" mask with them and be raw and real. They were my life savers on so many occasions. And I don't know why, but it's kind of lonely knowing that only 2 other people besides myself that are in my life can ever really come close to understanding what it was like. But the most frustrating part is that even my ex-husband still doesn't really comprehend the damage that was done. He has a list of explanations of why he did the things he did - like that list makes it all ok and he doesn't have to show true remorse because of the things on said list. And he has the luxury of blaming everything on me because I'm the one who "gave up" and left. When our boys are struggling, he get's to get angry and play the victim and say it's my fault for divorcing him. He doesn't get that I left because for 10 solid years, he made me feel like I was something so small, worthless and more than that, dirty. And that at some point, it didn't even matter if he could change because too much damage had been done for me to ever be able to be a wife to him again. And how could I possibly raise up the boys thinking that's how a marriage is supposed to be? How was I supposed to explain why mommy and daddy slept in separate bedrooms while everyone else's parents sleep in the same room and how that was NEVER going to change because mommy couldn't bear to be touched by daddy ever again? How I never could have lived with myself if our kids took cue from what they saw in our marriage and ended up just like that? How it breaks my heart into a million pieces that our oldest son still has some trace memories of the fights we had in front of him that left his mommy crying on the stairs? He doesn't get how hard it is for me to remain friendly with him for the sake of our kids because I want so badly for our boys to have a good and healthy relationship with their father because their relationship with him doesn't have to suffer just because mine did. He doesn't get how even now, I still cringe inside every time he is nearby because I'm afraid he might touch me and the idea of his skin touching mine in any way is just too much for me to handle. How every now and then, a memory will pop up and all of the anger and hurt come flooding back like it just happened yesterday and I have to forgive all over again. Why is it so hard for him to understand?
BUT, as hard as that part of it is, I really am in a good place these days and am doing ok. Actually, I'm better than ok. Through the mentorship of my awesome counselor, I finally gave up the myth that my ex-husband has to play a part in my healing. He doesn't have a say in that because my Healer doesn't have restrictions and He has already done some pretty awesome work. I have accepted that while my ex-husband does continue to work on his outside, he may never have a real inside heart change. I pray that it DOES still happen one day - for his sake and the sake of the people he has relationships with - but I'm not dependent on that. I can move on and make life work either way.
Today marks the 14th month since I filed for divorce and the 10th month since it was final. It has been hard but also easier in a lot of ways. The stress I deal with as a single mom doesn't come close to the stress I felt as my ex-husband's wife. And I have a lot to be thankful for. That I AM thankful for. I have a support system of friends and family that I could not make it through without and still continue to love on and pray for us. I have gone through counseling with one of the absolute best counselors out there. I have my 2 boys, who despite getting the shortest end of the stick in all of this and do have hard days sometimes, have handled the crappiness of divorce so much better than I ever could have expected them to. And I have the grace and love of the One who loves me the most and can heal any wound. While it's a hard road to travel, the journey is worth it and new mercies are unraveling every day. I don't know the ending to this story, but I do know that it's good because His plan is perfect. And that's good enough for me.
"By shoving the story under the rug for the sake of your family or church community, you may save the perpetrator’s reputation and the reputation of those near him or her, but you lose important ground in becoming free. An untold story never heals. It just festers until it comes out in unwanted behavior.
Easy “forgivism” may gloss over the terrible situation in the short term, but it reinforces to everyone that the egregious, soul-siphoning sin committed against the victim was trivial, easy to get over... Of course I’m not advocating bitterness. And I fully welcome grace. God has the most beautiful ability to make beauty from ashes, and we are most like Him when we extend forgiveness. But that journey must be allowed to take the course in due time, not rushed, not forced, not prescribed."
So my story does involve abuse. And it really is tough for lots of different reasons. For one, I made mistakes in the marriage too so I don't want to come across as the sole victim that never did anything wrong. But if I'm being 100% completely honest, I'm quite positive that I came out of the relationship with the most scarring. While this doesn't justify my mistakes by any means, my bigger ones didn't come until I was already broken from the abuse that I had lived with for so long - the crap that had started from the beginning of our relationship and lasted the entire length of it - an entire decade. And I hate that I even use that word "victim" on myself. Hate. It. It makes me feel like I'm weak somehow and it's just... blah. Ugh. Now, I know some of you might be wondering, "If it started from the beginning, why did you stay with him and MARRY him?" Truthfully, I never did want to marry him. But for reasons that I may share later, I felt obligated to stay with him and see the relationship through. And the deeper in I got, the more obligated I felt. Plus I was young and naïve and I allowed myself to believe that once we got married, things would get better. I was genuinely happy on my wedding day by the time it actually came because I just knew that it was the end to the junk and the start of something better. I see how completely ridiculous that it is now, but it was hard to see clearly while in the midst of it all. I took the whole "I was young and dumb" cliché to the highest maximum level.
It's also tough coming out of an abusive relationship because with the exception of my 2 closest friends, Jennie and Laura, who have walked through this whole mess with me side-by-side, I don't think anyone can really comprehend what it was like. And it kind of sucks that most people will never really get it. Jennie and Laura get it because they literally went through everything with me. They were there for all of it so they know how everything went down AS it was happening. They shed a lot of tears with me and felt the sorrow I felt as I was feeling it. I was able to take off my "life is so grand and happy!" mask with them and be raw and real. They were my life savers on so many occasions. And I don't know why, but it's kind of lonely knowing that only 2 other people besides myself that are in my life can ever really come close to understanding what it was like. But the most frustrating part is that even my ex-husband still doesn't really comprehend the damage that was done. He has a list of explanations of why he did the things he did - like that list makes it all ok and he doesn't have to show true remorse because of the things on said list. And he has the luxury of blaming everything on me because I'm the one who "gave up" and left. When our boys are struggling, he get's to get angry and play the victim and say it's my fault for divorcing him. He doesn't get that I left because for 10 solid years, he made me feel like I was something so small, worthless and more than that, dirty. And that at some point, it didn't even matter if he could change because too much damage had been done for me to ever be able to be a wife to him again. And how could I possibly raise up the boys thinking that's how a marriage is supposed to be? How was I supposed to explain why mommy and daddy slept in separate bedrooms while everyone else's parents sleep in the same room and how that was NEVER going to change because mommy couldn't bear to be touched by daddy ever again? How I never could have lived with myself if our kids took cue from what they saw in our marriage and ended up just like that? How it breaks my heart into a million pieces that our oldest son still has some trace memories of the fights we had in front of him that left his mommy crying on the stairs? He doesn't get how hard it is for me to remain friendly with him for the sake of our kids because I want so badly for our boys to have a good and healthy relationship with their father because their relationship with him doesn't have to suffer just because mine did. He doesn't get how even now, I still cringe inside every time he is nearby because I'm afraid he might touch me and the idea of his skin touching mine in any way is just too much for me to handle. How every now and then, a memory will pop up and all of the anger and hurt come flooding back like it just happened yesterday and I have to forgive all over again. Why is it so hard for him to understand?
BUT, as hard as that part of it is, I really am in a good place these days and am doing ok. Actually, I'm better than ok. Through the mentorship of my awesome counselor, I finally gave up the myth that my ex-husband has to play a part in my healing. He doesn't have a say in that because my Healer doesn't have restrictions and He has already done some pretty awesome work. I have accepted that while my ex-husband does continue to work on his outside, he may never have a real inside heart change. I pray that it DOES still happen one day - for his sake and the sake of the people he has relationships with - but I'm not dependent on that. I can move on and make life work either way.
Today marks the 14th month since I filed for divorce and the 10th month since it was final. It has been hard but also easier in a lot of ways. The stress I deal with as a single mom doesn't come close to the stress I felt as my ex-husband's wife. And I have a lot to be thankful for. That I AM thankful for. I have a support system of friends and family that I could not make it through without and still continue to love on and pray for us. I have gone through counseling with one of the absolute best counselors out there. I have my 2 boys, who despite getting the shortest end of the stick in all of this and do have hard days sometimes, have handled the crappiness of divorce so much better than I ever could have expected them to. And I have the grace and love of the One who loves me the most and can heal any wound. While it's a hard road to travel, the journey is worth it and new mercies are unraveling every day. I don't know the ending to this story, but I do know that it's good because His plan is perfect. And that's good enough for me.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Life and Love at The Farm
There is a little slice of heaven in Livingston, Texas. It's a place where life slows down and you can forget the craziness of life's demands. It is not fancy or flashy. It is warm and inviting. We call it The Farm. My mom's best friend inherited this lovely place on 90+ acres about 8 years ago and she and her husband always graciously invite my family out to visit whenever they make a trip down to south Texas from Abilene. I cannot thoroughly express my gratitude to Mike and Aby for allowing my boys and I to be a part of the wonderful experiences that are a part of The Farm. To my boys, these lovely folks are known as Aunt Aby and Uncle Mikey because they take my kids in and love them as their own. I'm eternally grateful to have a place away from the city that I can bring my kids. A place where they can run and explore and use their imaginations to their full potential. A place to see so much beauty that is the creation of their Creator.
Just the driveway is enough to take your breath away...
And then the farm house. Small and quaint and peaceful and lovely. When sitting out there, there are no worries, no cares, no stress. Only calm and peace. Many of conversations filled with laughs and wonderful memories have taken place on that little front porch...
Most rides on the four wheelers for me include the greatness of lots and lots of mud. But occasionally, I will opt for a clean joy ride just so I can take in this kind of gorgeousness...
I don't actually consider the cows "gorgeous" but the calves (not pictured) are at least pretty cute. Don't hang around them too long though. You'll be tempted to go spend a fortune on a butter churner thingy and take "farm living" to the full extent of it's possibilities.
And this looks like the perfect spot for a chicken coupe if you ask me (see what I mean about taking farm life to it's full extent?)...
This does zero justice to real life but it's here anyway. There are butterflies EVERYWHERE at the farm. With all different color patterns. But they are jerks and refuse to land and stay anywhere long enough for me to snap a picture so this was the best I could do. Actually, that's true for the wild life too. Lots of deer and colorful birds but the only animals that would actually let me take a picture were those dang cows. I suppose they deserved a spot on the blog just for that reason.
I mean, even the old falling apart buildings somehow come across as intriguingly beautiful. Maybe that's just me but I stand by my statement anyway.
I feel like I really understand life on Little House on The Prairie when I get to go pick these delicious berries out in the pasture. No, but really...
And it's just not farm living without rain washed clothes hanging out on a clothes line!
The boys do not go looking for bugs when they are at home. But on the farm, they suddenly transform into the bug whisperers. They found a locust and were moving it from one stick to the other and they thought it was the. best. thing. in. the. world.
And this is how you wind down after the exhaustion of bug collecting...
If you're a 7 year old boy lucky enough to score a tractor ride with Uncle Mikey, your bucket list is completed in just one day.
If you're a 4 year old boy...same as above..
It's a small victory in the world, but finding a tree in south Texas that doesn't have a 1,000 mile trunk shooting straight up without any climbing limbs is HUGE for me. I love love love that the boys can enjoy the simple childhood pleasure of climbing a tree when they are at the farm!
In the words of Aunt Aby, "A family that rides together stays together." Gram and Grandpooh have proven this theory to be pretty accurate so far.
Of course wagons also have uses other than being pulled behind a four wheeler. They can also be operated manually as discovered by these two crazies. Who knew?
And nothing says male bonding like building a giant fire together..
Oh look, more bugs! "Can I keep the roly poly, please??"
Sometimes, we actually go INSIDE the farm house..
Out of all the kitchens that ever were, this one is 3rd in line as my most favorite ever, only behind my 2 grandmothers' kitchens.
On the table, there is a "farm talk" journal. It's filled with stories about the farm from people who have visited.
This past weekend, Korben made his first entry. I'll end this post with his simple words and one more round of "thanks" to Mike and Aby (and everyone who gathers at the farm) for loving so well. These are the memories that I long for in life. For myself and especially for my children. You are a dear people and we love you so very much.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
War
I don't know where to begin. I found myself wanting to write about my divorce and struggles and joys and hopes and life and yadda yadda yadda. And I hated every outlet I had tried before so I came home to blogger. And I wrote a little bit about what I came here to write about - I just never posted it. That will come at some point because I really do want to share some of what I have experienced for a number of different reasons. But today, I actually want to write about some non-personal stuff that has been weighing on me lately. Soooo, here goes..
Cake and babies. I have shed quite a few tears on these two subjects. And I have seen other people write about both subjects, although it has mostly been the former subject with so much attention. So let's start with cake just because it has been getting the most attention in my facebook newsfeed. You know, the wedding cake for a gay couple in Indiana that never was baked. If I'm being completely honest, I'm really tired of hearing about it. Because it's a cake. A CAKE. I mean, I know that there's more underlined stuff behind it just being a cake, and I get that. I do. But people, enough is enough already. And I'm not taking sides here. I'm pissed off at the way people on BOTH sides of this debate are acting and treating each other. Well intentioned people are standing up for the baker, well intentioned people are standing up for the couple who wanted the cake. But in the end, all we're doing is attacking each other. Even in the civil written talks I have seen trying to have legit meaningful conversation, it still ends up with an opposing side trying to get the other side to listen. But everybody is too fucking busy trying to argue their side to hear the other.
Everybody wants a black and white answer but there isn't one. I tend to believe that both sides are right and both sides are wrong. Because maybe there really shouldn't be SIDES to begin with. We want to talk about life and humanity and rights but then we also want to make cookie cutter ideas and make everyone think, talk, and act the same. And shame on anyone who doesn't agree with me. But people, if we are all uniquely made, isn't that end cookie cutter goal kind of completely pointless? And I know this sounds like random mumbling so I'm sorry about that. I just wish we could all co-exist without so much dad gum hate.
I'm going to state where I stand on this whole mess (probably in a very incoherent way that will look like a jumbled written mess but whatever, I'm doing it anyway), not to try to convince anyone to take a certain side, but to hopefully show that we don't NEED to take sides (again, I will probably fail miserably at this but I'm doing it anyway). We are all human beings here. Gay, straight, Christian, atheist, black, blue, purple, white, male, female, cake bakers, cake eaters - we are PEOPLE and we all matter.
So.. If I was the baker in Indiana, I absolutely would have baked the cake. Personally, I am not against gay marriage being legal. If two consenting adults want to make a decision about their life together, that's their business. And as a Christ follower, I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that God hates divorce. But here I am - divorced. And it was by my own choice. I'm the one who left. It's another situation with a bunch of gray areas so maybe I had a straight up biblical out and maybe I didn't. Either way, I still cried the day it was final and I felt my Father cry with me. Not because I regretted leaving, but because that just wasn't the way He meant relationships to be. But more than the legalities of when and if divorce is ok or being gay is ok, I also know that God is for healthy, loving relationships more than He is for checking off all of the right boxes. And that day, in the midst of the tears, I felt love from Him that I cannot even begin to explain. Because He is for relationships. And love and comfort and grace are all part of having a relationship. If those things didn't matter, He would have stopped creation at Adam. But He said straight up, "It is not good for man to be alone." And people want to add to their arguments about the damages of children being raised in gay families without both a mother and a father but, while I agree that having both is ideal, I also think being a part of a loving family far far far outweighs the damages of who that family is consisted of. I am a divorced mother so I know what it's like (in a different way obviously) to raise kids in a non-traditional way. It's hard and it's not ideal, but we are doing the best we can with what we have and as long as there is love, we're doing ok. Anyway, regardless of my beliefs about gay marriage, I don't think that a gay couple asking me to bake them a cake is the same thing as them asking me to perform the actual ceremony. Plus, I'm all for serving. I mean, I fail at servant hood all the time, but I do try. Because servant hood is a way to show love and Jesus was all about that and I want obtain the unobtainable goal of being like Jesus. That said, I WASN'T the baker in Indiana. And the baker who was asked to make the cake isn't me. He is a completely different human being with a different story and different thoughts and beliefs. AND. THAT. IS. OK. I don't know this baker so this is just speculation, but if he is a Christ follower then more than likely his end goal in life is to bring God glory. And for whatever reason, he couldn't say with 100% certainty that making that cake would bring God glory. Was it right or wrong? I really don't know. But I do think that as a private business owner, he had every legal right to say no. I mean, if I wanted to make and sell bracelets (I don't), I would want to be able to say no to someone I didn't want to do business with for whatever reason. Because I'm the one who created said business and I'm the one offering up my time to make the goods. If it's a big corporation, I think it's a different story but that's not the case here. Also, bracelets, wedding cakes, etc. are just that - goods. A luxury. I have heard several people say that someone's basic needs were denied when this gay couple was refused a wedding cake. Can we just get real? We are some spoiled people when wedding cakes become a "basic need" in life. And calling for the boycott of an entire state just seems a little overboard to me.
To me, the baker is right AND wrong. Serving would have been a good choice but he should also be able to do with his own private business what he wants. And we shouldn't judge him for saying no if he truly was trying to glorify the Father. We, as believers, talk about showing grace so why is it so hard to show grace to our fellow believers when they do something different than we would have? The gay couple was right AND wrong. Not wrong by any means wanting to celebrate their union with a delicious cake, but maybe it would have been better to have handled it on a personal level instead of like this. But just like the baker, they are deserving of grace. They are all people that deserve to be treated like- you know, people. There's so much gray in all of this. And that's ok - that's life. At the end of the day, people on both sides of this have been hurt. We don't know the baker, we don't know the gay couple and so we can't pretend to know anything about this story other than what is on the surface but I don't thinks it's as black and white as we are trying to make it. I wish love were simple, and maybe it's supposed to be. But in real life, it's hard. For all of us. But if we're all at least trying, can we just stop the war and show some grace for one another and continue to try to show love instead of bitterness?
Now, I realize that I have ended up writing so much about the cake that I haven't left a lot of space for babies if I'm going to keep anyone's attention on this single post (assuming anyone is actually even reading this post of course). And I'm so much more passionate about the babies issue. Because you know, cake is just cake, but babies are people. And It makes me so sad and angry to think about the baby in Colorado who was cut from her mother's womb with a knife and left to die in a cold bathtub. Yet, according the state of Colorado, the baby wasn't really a person so no murder charges will be filed against her murderer. I guess that's why I'm so tired all of the cake talk. It fills up my newsfeed all day long but this - the injustice of an actual life - gets barely any attention. Hardly anybody seems to be upset about the gruesome and horrible shit that this mother and baby endured and the injustice that the legal system is allowing. I don't get it. Actual life should be worth fighting for. I wish I knew how to make it right. But I won't call for a boycott of the entire state of Colorado. It's still a perfectly lovely state occupied by people just like you and me and who are mostly trying their best to do their part in this world. Instead, I will just go to my knees and pray. I'm not even sure what I will pray for specifically; all I know is I long for the day that the war ends. So maybe I'll just cry some more and call out the name of Jesus. What patience and love he has for us to put up with our craziness for centuries upon centuries upon centuries.
Cake and babies. I have shed quite a few tears on these two subjects. And I have seen other people write about both subjects, although it has mostly been the former subject with so much attention. So let's start with cake just because it has been getting the most attention in my facebook newsfeed. You know, the wedding cake for a gay couple in Indiana that never was baked. If I'm being completely honest, I'm really tired of hearing about it. Because it's a cake. A CAKE. I mean, I know that there's more underlined stuff behind it just being a cake, and I get that. I do. But people, enough is enough already. And I'm not taking sides here. I'm pissed off at the way people on BOTH sides of this debate are acting and treating each other. Well intentioned people are standing up for the baker, well intentioned people are standing up for the couple who wanted the cake. But in the end, all we're doing is attacking each other. Even in the civil written talks I have seen trying to have legit meaningful conversation, it still ends up with an opposing side trying to get the other side to listen. But everybody is too fucking busy trying to argue their side to hear the other.
Everybody wants a black and white answer but there isn't one. I tend to believe that both sides are right and both sides are wrong. Because maybe there really shouldn't be SIDES to begin with. We want to talk about life and humanity and rights but then we also want to make cookie cutter ideas and make everyone think, talk, and act the same. And shame on anyone who doesn't agree with me. But people, if we are all uniquely made, isn't that end cookie cutter goal kind of completely pointless? And I know this sounds like random mumbling so I'm sorry about that. I just wish we could all co-exist without so much dad gum hate.
I'm going to state where I stand on this whole mess (probably in a very incoherent way that will look like a jumbled written mess but whatever, I'm doing it anyway), not to try to convince anyone to take a certain side, but to hopefully show that we don't NEED to take sides (again, I will probably fail miserably at this but I'm doing it anyway). We are all human beings here. Gay, straight, Christian, atheist, black, blue, purple, white, male, female, cake bakers, cake eaters - we are PEOPLE and we all matter.
So.. If I was the baker in Indiana, I absolutely would have baked the cake. Personally, I am not against gay marriage being legal. If two consenting adults want to make a decision about their life together, that's their business. And as a Christ follower, I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that God hates divorce. But here I am - divorced. And it was by my own choice. I'm the one who left. It's another situation with a bunch of gray areas so maybe I had a straight up biblical out and maybe I didn't. Either way, I still cried the day it was final and I felt my Father cry with me. Not because I regretted leaving, but because that just wasn't the way He meant relationships to be. But more than the legalities of when and if divorce is ok or being gay is ok, I also know that God is for healthy, loving relationships more than He is for checking off all of the right boxes. And that day, in the midst of the tears, I felt love from Him that I cannot even begin to explain. Because He is for relationships. And love and comfort and grace are all part of having a relationship. If those things didn't matter, He would have stopped creation at Adam. But He said straight up, "It is not good for man to be alone." And people want to add to their arguments about the damages of children being raised in gay families without both a mother and a father but, while I agree that having both is ideal, I also think being a part of a loving family far far far outweighs the damages of who that family is consisted of. I am a divorced mother so I know what it's like (in a different way obviously) to raise kids in a non-traditional way. It's hard and it's not ideal, but we are doing the best we can with what we have and as long as there is love, we're doing ok. Anyway, regardless of my beliefs about gay marriage, I don't think that a gay couple asking me to bake them a cake is the same thing as them asking me to perform the actual ceremony. Plus, I'm all for serving. I mean, I fail at servant hood all the time, but I do try. Because servant hood is a way to show love and Jesus was all about that and I want obtain the unobtainable goal of being like Jesus. That said, I WASN'T the baker in Indiana. And the baker who was asked to make the cake isn't me. He is a completely different human being with a different story and different thoughts and beliefs. AND. THAT. IS. OK. I don't know this baker so this is just speculation, but if he is a Christ follower then more than likely his end goal in life is to bring God glory. And for whatever reason, he couldn't say with 100% certainty that making that cake would bring God glory. Was it right or wrong? I really don't know. But I do think that as a private business owner, he had every legal right to say no. I mean, if I wanted to make and sell bracelets (I don't), I would want to be able to say no to someone I didn't want to do business with for whatever reason. Because I'm the one who created said business and I'm the one offering up my time to make the goods. If it's a big corporation, I think it's a different story but that's not the case here. Also, bracelets, wedding cakes, etc. are just that - goods. A luxury. I have heard several people say that someone's basic needs were denied when this gay couple was refused a wedding cake. Can we just get real? We are some spoiled people when wedding cakes become a "basic need" in life. And calling for the boycott of an entire state just seems a little overboard to me.
To me, the baker is right AND wrong. Serving would have been a good choice but he should also be able to do with his own private business what he wants. And we shouldn't judge him for saying no if he truly was trying to glorify the Father. We, as believers, talk about showing grace so why is it so hard to show grace to our fellow believers when they do something different than we would have? The gay couple was right AND wrong. Not wrong by any means wanting to celebrate their union with a delicious cake, but maybe it would have been better to have handled it on a personal level instead of like this. But just like the baker, they are deserving of grace. They are all people that deserve to be treated like- you know, people. There's so much gray in all of this. And that's ok - that's life. At the end of the day, people on both sides of this have been hurt. We don't know the baker, we don't know the gay couple and so we can't pretend to know anything about this story other than what is on the surface but I don't thinks it's as black and white as we are trying to make it. I wish love were simple, and maybe it's supposed to be. But in real life, it's hard. For all of us. But if we're all at least trying, can we just stop the war and show some grace for one another and continue to try to show love instead of bitterness?
Now, I realize that I have ended up writing so much about the cake that I haven't left a lot of space for babies if I'm going to keep anyone's attention on this single post (assuming anyone is actually even reading this post of course). And I'm so much more passionate about the babies issue. Because you know, cake is just cake, but babies are people. And It makes me so sad and angry to think about the baby in Colorado who was cut from her mother's womb with a knife and left to die in a cold bathtub. Yet, according the state of Colorado, the baby wasn't really a person so no murder charges will be filed against her murderer. I guess that's why I'm so tired all of the cake talk. It fills up my newsfeed all day long but this - the injustice of an actual life - gets barely any attention. Hardly anybody seems to be upset about the gruesome and horrible shit that this mother and baby endured and the injustice that the legal system is allowing. I don't get it. Actual life should be worth fighting for. I wish I knew how to make it right. But I won't call for a boycott of the entire state of Colorado. It's still a perfectly lovely state occupied by people just like you and me and who are mostly trying their best to do their part in this world. Instead, I will just go to my knees and pray. I'm not even sure what I will pray for specifically; all I know is I long for the day that the war ends. So maybe I'll just cry some more and call out the name of Jesus. What patience and love he has for us to put up with our craziness for centuries upon centuries upon centuries.
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