It's raining. Again. And it just seemed appropriate to do some writing in this atmosphere so I thought I'd come tell just a little bit about my loveless love story since I really came back to blogger to write about that anyhow. I've just been hesitant because I don't know how much to share and how much not to share. I don't want this to become some sort of "here's my sad story so take pity" or "I want to bash my ex-husband" type of thing. That's not the point or the goal. If anything, I want my story to do some sort of good and show how redemption and healing are possible coming out of such a mess. Hopefully, that will be the end result of sharing some of this. I recently read this article that somebody shared on Facebook about the Duggar story that's all over social media right now. The writer's story is different from mine but it is similar in that it involves abuse and some of the things she said resonated with me on my struggle with deciding whether or not I should even share any of my story. I thought about how awful it would be if we ALL decided to close up and not talk about our experiences and how many of these stories would be ones that never healed. So I have decided that, yes, it is ok for me share at least some of my story. Because these words hit home for me..
"By shoving the story under the rug for the sake of your family or church community, you may save the perpetrator’s reputation and the reputation of those near him or her, but you lose important ground in becoming free. An untold story never heals. It just festers until it comes out in unwanted behavior.
Easy “forgivism” may gloss over the terrible situation in the short term, but it reinforces to everyone that the egregious, soul-siphoning sin committed against the victim was trivial, easy to get over... Of course I’m not advocating bitterness. And I fully welcome grace. God has the most beautiful ability to make beauty from ashes, and we are most like Him when we extend forgiveness. But that journey must be allowed to take the course in due time, not rushed, not forced, not prescribed."
So my story does involve abuse. And it really is tough for lots of different reasons. For one, I made mistakes in the marriage too so I don't want to come across as the sole victim that never did anything wrong. But if I'm being 100% completely honest, I'm quite positive that I came out of the relationship with the most scarring. While this doesn't justify my mistakes by any means, my bigger ones didn't come until I was already broken from the abuse that I had lived with for so long - the crap that had started from the beginning of our relationship and lasted the entire length of it - an entire decade. And I hate that I even use that word "victim" on myself. Hate. It. It makes me feel like I'm weak somehow and it's just... blah. Ugh. Now, I know some of you might be wondering, "If it started from the beginning, why did you stay with him and MARRY him?" Truthfully, I never did want to marry him. But for reasons that I may share later, I felt obligated to stay with him and see the relationship through. And the deeper in I got, the more obligated I felt. Plus I was young and naïve and I allowed myself to believe that once we got married, things would get better. I was genuinely happy on my wedding day by the time it actually came because I just knew that it was the end to the junk and the start of something better. I see how completely ridiculous that it is now, but it was hard to see clearly while in the midst of it all. I took the whole "I was young and dumb" cliché to the highest maximum level.
It's also tough coming out of an abusive relationship because with the exception of my 2 closest friends, Jennie and Laura, who have walked through this whole mess with me side-by-side, I don't think anyone can really comprehend what it was like. And it kind of sucks that most people will never really get it. Jennie and Laura get it because they literally went through everything with me. They were there for all of it so they know how everything went down AS it was happening. They shed a lot of tears with me and felt the sorrow I felt as I was feeling it. I was able to take off my "life is so grand and happy!" mask with them and be raw and real. They were my life savers on so many occasions. And I don't know why, but it's kind of lonely knowing that only 2 other people besides myself that are in my life can ever really come close to understanding what it was like. But the most frustrating part is that even my ex-husband still doesn't really comprehend the damage that was done. He has a list of explanations of why he did the things he did - like that list makes it all ok and he doesn't have to show true remorse because of the things on said list. And he has the luxury of blaming everything on me because I'm the one who "gave up" and left. When our boys are struggling, he get's to get angry and play the victim and say it's my fault for divorcing him. He doesn't get that I left because for 10 solid years, he made me feel like I was something so small, worthless and more than that, dirty. And that at some point, it didn't even matter if he could change because too much damage had been done for me to ever be able to be a wife to him again. And how could I possibly raise up the boys thinking that's how a marriage is supposed to be? How was I supposed to explain why mommy and daddy slept in separate bedrooms while everyone else's parents sleep in the same room and how that was NEVER going to change because mommy couldn't bear to be touched by daddy ever again? How I never could have lived with myself if our kids took cue from what they saw in our marriage and ended up just like that? How it breaks my heart into a million pieces that our oldest son still has some trace memories of the fights we had in front of him that left his mommy crying on the stairs? He doesn't get how hard it is for me to remain friendly with him for the sake of our kids because I want so badly for our boys to have a good and healthy relationship with their father because their relationship with him doesn't have to suffer just because mine did. He doesn't get how even now, I still cringe inside every time he is nearby because I'm afraid he might touch me and the idea of his skin touching mine in any way is just too much for me to handle. How every now and then, a memory will pop up and all of the anger and hurt come flooding back like it just happened yesterday and I have to forgive all over again. Why is it so hard for him to understand?
BUT, as hard as that part of it is, I really am in a good place these days and am doing ok. Actually, I'm better than ok. Through the mentorship of my awesome counselor, I finally gave up the myth that my ex-husband has to play a part in my healing. He doesn't have a say in that because my Healer doesn't have restrictions and He has already done some pretty awesome work. I have accepted that while my ex-husband does continue to work on his outside, he may never have a real inside heart change. I pray that it DOES still happen one day - for his sake and the sake of the people he has relationships with - but I'm not dependent on that. I can move on and make life work either way.
Today marks the 14th month since I filed for divorce and the 10th month since it was final. It has been hard but also easier in a lot of ways. The stress I deal with as a single mom doesn't come close to the stress I felt as my ex-husband's wife. And I have a lot to be thankful for. That I AM thankful for. I have a support system of friends and family that I could not make it through without and still continue to love on and pray for us. I have gone through counseling with one of the absolute best counselors out there. I have my 2 boys, who despite getting the shortest end of the stick in all of this and do have hard days sometimes, have handled the crappiness of divorce so much better than I ever could have expected them to. And I have the grace and love of the One who loves me the most and can heal any wound. While it's a hard road to travel, the journey is worth it and new mercies are unraveling every day. I don't know the ending to this story, but I do know that it's good because His plan is perfect. And that's good enough for me.
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