A Word of Thanks

81 days ago, I confessed my depression spell to the public who reads this blog.  A lot can happen in 81 days and writing is therapeutic so it seemed like a good time to write a little more of my story. 

There are LOADS of people who showed up to offer me love during my dark depression days. But a few women especially stick out that I want to talk about. 

When I was still on Facebook, I wrote a post about my time as an office aid in the counselor's office my senior year of high school and how much the people in that office impacted my life. While I was still in relationship limbo after the wedding was called off but I was still trying to figure out if the entire relationship needed to end or be mended, my high school counselor that I had posted about messaged me on Facebook. She asked if she could call me. I said yes and sent her my number. And y'all, literally within 20 seconds of me hitting "send," my phone was ringing. This woman that I have not seen or spoken to in 15 years made no hesitation to reach out to me and speak life into me. It blew my mind. I won't divulge the entire conversation, but one thing that stood out (besides the fact that she even remembered me after all these years), was when I asked her if she was disappointed that I had let depression take hold of me and I wasn't the same bubbly, enthusiastic, joyful girl she once knew. And she told me, "I could never be disappointed. And Cassi, you ARE that same girl. I can hear it in your voice. She just needs to find her way back out, that's all." Those were the exact words I needed to hear in that moment -not that I COULD be that same girl, but that I was already STILL that girl -and I fell apart in complete gratitude for that woman. And then I called my mom and cried to her as I retold her the story. Because duh. I'm an emotional mess and that's what us emotional messes do.

It was also somewhere along that time frame that I mustered up all the strength I could to contact my old counselor who helped me through my divorce. It took everything I had to contact her again because I had been in a pretty good place when I quit seeing her a couple of years ago.  I didn't want to admit to her that I wasn't strong enough to STAY in that good place. That I was now in fact in a WORSE place emotionally than when I had seen her the first time around. But she too, expressed zero disappointment in my then current emotional state of being. I thought I needed all of the answers on how to handle my life situation right then and there -but she gave me permission to be in limbo. I needed that permission so much. I needed to hear that it was ok to take my time and make a prayerful, clear-headed rational decision instead of rushing into a decision that would have been based on fleeting emotions. And over our next several sessions, she used her own past experiences to speak more life and truth into me. She used her own story to give me the hope of something better in my story. And when things started looking up again, she was there to rejoice with me. She offered her love and prayers and I know she followed through with her promises to pray over me. The world needs more of her. 

And finally, my two best friends. There were a couple of nights during the months of my depression that I couldn't hold myself together and completely lost it. When I thought I might follow through with my desire to die. Jennie and Laura were the ones I called when that happened. They were the ones I trusted to let in all the way without any walls whatsoever and see me in my worst state. The ones I knew I didn't have to pull myself together for and be strong for. They didn't see it in person, but they definitely heard me when I was at my absolute very lowest. They didn't listen to me cry, they listened to me wail sobs of complete and total misery.  They heard me cry out for death. And then they met me in my need. They offered to do whatever it took to keep me alive. And they meant it. And then they offered words of wisdom and truth that nobody else was willing to tell me. Man, I love them.

I had two choices during my depression days: trust Jesus - or die. That was it. So as much as I possibly could at the time, I gave my story over to Jesus and chose to trust him no matter what. Today, the depression is gone. That's not to say that there's no more sadness, because there definitely is. But I see the beauty in life again and instead of longing for death, I long for a purpose filled life. I remember when I got to a point where I could at least look forward to watching my boys grow up but I didn't think I would ever look forward to my own life anymore. But the One who loves me the most has rescued me. He has been at work all of these days and I really truly do look forward to my own life again! Jesus gets all of the credit for that. Words cannot be written to fully express the gratitude I have that I wasn't left to die in that dark place. And I'm so incredibly thankful for the people that had a part in his plan to rescue me. The ones I mentioned AND for so many others that also showed up and continue to show up. You all brought a piece of goodness into the world when you chose to show up for a girl who had lost her way and almost damn near lost her life. It's not enough and you deserve so much more, but to every single one of you, I send the biggest hugs I've got along with the biggest THANK YOU that can possibly be expressed in words. 

  

A Tale of Two Dresses

I almost reached for the Advil PM and a glass of water. But here I am -with leftover peach cobbler and coffee instead. Because while I am tired (I am ALWAYS tired), there is this part of my story that needs to get out. And of course peach cobbler and sugared up coffee are the best sidekicks to get that done. But where do I start? That's such a hard thing to know. Straight to the heart of the story I guess?

 So, 5 months ago, I got engaged. That wedding was set to happen next month. It was all done. All we had to do was show up. But somewhere along the way during the last couple of months, life happened. The ugly kind of life. The kind of life that says, "It's been a while since you've hurt- let's just go ahead and remedy that." I began to feel a kind of anxiety that I have never before in my life felt. I can't even describe it. It caused me actual physical pain. I fell asleep with my heart literally hurting every single night. I won't divulge the things that happened that led to that anxiety, but I knew deep down that I wasn't ready for this. But everyone was so happy for me. How could I let them down? So I pressed on. And the anxiety got worse. Fast. And then full on depression hit. And that kept growing at record speed also. I couldn't keep up. 

There are only a handful of people that know this next part but I'm putting it out here in these written words because I can't keep up with the mask wearing thing anymore. It's too much. I need to be real and authentic, no matter the cost of my image. Soooo, the depression grew into a desire for death. Every. Single. Day. I would see all of these happy people just living out their perfectly normal lives and it was unbearable for me. I wanted that. And it was unreachable because I was bound to this upcoming marriage that I wasn't ready for.  I was gearing up to be some sort of false sacrificial lamb that kept everyone believing the lie of my happy ending. The problem was, my happy ending in real life was me waking up sobbing every morning trying to figure out how I was going to make it through the day, much less my entire life. I never resorted to actually acting on any of my desires for death, but for the first time, I understood what suicidal people who cut themselves for release go through. I wanted that same release. I longed for it with every fiber of my being. It needed to come out. Somehow. The tension and the agony going on in my insides was so unbearable. And the isolation- oh the isolation. It was a level of pain that I just didn't know what to do with. There is no possible way to describe that kind of pain through words. The only single thing that got me through was the whisper of, "Your children are not ready to live without you." That's it. That's all I had. My kids. I must fight for them. I must.  

While it wasn't nearly to the same degree, I remember having doubts during my first engagement. And the same thoughts about being too far in and having to see it through and just hope for the best. And we all know how that worked out. Was I really going to let history repeat itself? I couldn't. So 10 days ago, the decision to not get married was made. And immediately, the anxiety eased. Finally, some release.  And then. A phone call. From the ex-husband. To tell me that for reasons beyond his control, he was having to sell his house and move 3 hours away. And the boys will have to switch schools and who knows how scheduling time with them will work out now. The one stable and constant thing in their life, gone. Damn. This life, man. It just never lets up. So there's a new wave of depression hitting. It's better than it was 10 days ago, but honestly, that doesn't say a whole lot right now. It's all just really hard. That's just the honest truth.

So here I am. The not-so-proud owner of 2 dresses (tucked away in the garage so I don't have to actually look at them) as evidence that I have no idea what I'm doing in this life of mine. One dress that's a token of a failed marriage and another dress a token of still being a clueless hot mess. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, or next month, or next year. And I don't know when the bad depression days will hit hard and when they will be more subdued. I'm on a day by day schedule right now. But here's what I do know.. Jesus is still Jesus. I'm not always able to focus on him when the pain hits, but when he does give me the gift of his overwhelming presence, it's so very sweet. When I can look up at the sky while I'm driving and see a sunset that oozes his goodness and glory, I cling to that moment and hold on to it for as long as I can. When I can hug my boys and smell their sweet skin and take in all of the good kind of life that's happening inside of them, I relish in that. And for right now, I'm remembering that trusting Jesus doesn't really happen in the easy times. It happens when the actual need for trust arises. And as it turns out, I can trust him even in the very darkest of hours.    

          

A Sweet Reminder

Last week my boys went to Pine Cove Camp at our church. Every single morning that I dropped them off, the counselors were there with this joyful presence, eager to share the love of Jesus with my kids. Every. Single. Morning. There's just something about college students who are on fire for Jesus. It took me back to when I was just a little younger than them and had that same fire. When my days were filled with Crazy Jesus Thursdays in a back room inside the library at my high school, and Wednesday nights were spent at MAD House at my church, and shoe polish was all over my 1993 fuchsia Geo Storm that read, "Honk if you love Jesus!" And falling asleep in the middle of praying happened every single night before I could finish a full prayer because I just had too much to say to my Daddy and I was never ready to stop talking to Him. And I jammed to the lyrics to all of the songs by Audio Adrenaline, Jaci Velasquez, and DC Talk and REALLY meant them as I raised my hands high in the air and truly gave myself over to worship. When my heart broke for the things that broke HIS heart, not my own heart. But in the midst of my tiny view of brokenness, I was still JOYFUL about whose I was and who had ultimate reign no matter what.

But along the way, I began to experience the brokenness of this world on a deeper level. And without even really realizing it, my heart began to harden over the years. Fast forward to today and I can check off so many good things that I have experienced with God through this broken life. Peace? Check. Complete trust in Him? Check. An indescribable gratitude for everything I have been given that I don't deserve? Check. Joyful hope?.... Hmmm... that one seems to have gotten lost somewhere. And I think that's one of the most important pieces missing. Because that is the whole point of Jesus! We talk and complain about the brokenness we see in the world like it's this completely new concept and somehow we need to fix it. But it's not a new concept. We can trace evil all the way back to Adam and Eve. And we. cannot. fix it. There is only one person who can take on that task, and HE. ALREADY. DID. FIX. IT!!! But instead of THAT being the message I live out, I've let myself get caught up in the gloominess that the rest of the world is beating in. I've let myself become of this world with a message of complaint instead of choosing to stand out from it with a message of hope. I complain about this and that happening in the world and in my own life, instead of proclaiming with joy and excitement that Jesus took care of it all already and is still alive and on His throne and doing His good work! I've let the true amazing power of the cross get diminished. How foolish of me!

I remember as a new follower of Christ back in 8th grade, one of my favorite verses was Jeremiah 29:11 that says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." But for the longest time, I didn't know the full story of Jeremiah, I just knew that one verse and I clung to it because of it's upbeat promise. It was quite some time before I finally decided to read the book of Jeremiah all the way through, and man, was I was disappointed. I didn't read a story of full of upbeat hope, I read a story full of grief. But then I realized that's what makes that verse that I had clung to so awesome. In a story so full of gloom, God is still there offering his promises of hope. The promise means so much more BECAUSE of the gloom it rescues us from! Way back then, God was promising us Jesus. He was redeeming. He is always redeeming. Yes, there is lots of bad in this world, but there is beauty in the middle of it with Jesus. True victory over evil does not lay within us, it lays within Jesus. The power is His and His alone. What is harmful, He makes good again. What is ugly, He makes beautiful again. As much as anyone can try, undoing His perfect plan cannot be done. THE CROSS CANNOT BE UNDONE.  "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loves us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any power, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39
How I long for my heart to be refocused on that truth!

My heart still has quite a few hardened layers that still need to be removed, but for right now, I'm focusing on the sweet reminder of the power that is the cross and the glorious hope that it brings. For whoever needs it, I hope that reminder also brings you comfort.

An Open Letter to Judah's Parents

Dear Mark and Christi,

You may not remember me. I only met you for the first time tonight at one of the Judah Brown charity events. I know of Judah from preschool but since he wasn't in my class, I never knew you. I've thought of you and prayed for you so many times over the last 6 months, but my heart wasn't equipped for the shattering it would experience seeing you in person. I only got a glance of you before I had to turn away because I was about to completely break down. All of those happy smiling children around - including my own - but no Judah. And yet there you were, smiling yourselves, just for the sake of the people around you. I finally got up the courage to introduce myself and you laughed and joked with my youngest son about his missing teeth - while your youngest son was just missing. My heart couldn't handle the torture that I knew you must have been feeling. And if my own heart was so broken, how deep and agonizing your broken heart must have been. What do you say to someone who is living every parent's worst nightmare? I don't even remember the words that actually made it out of my mouth, but they must have been the dumbest words ever spoken on the planet. I wish with everything inside of me that I could make it all ok for you. But I can't. So I just hugged you and then awkwardly said goodbye. What an empty gesture. And now here I am, sitting on my couch with tears running down my face, writing you a letter that you may not even ever see. I have absolutely nothing to offer you in your time of grief. But I promise you that Judah is not forgotten. I can't speak for anyone other than myself, but his memory will live with me forever. I hope that brings just the tiniest fraction of comfort. And I continue to pray for you. For our Father to reveal Himself to you and love on you in overwhelming ways that only He can - since He is the only One that can bring the kind of true comfort that you deserve. I pray that He makes your days left here on earth as bearable as possible until you get to see your sweet Judah again. And for whatever they're worth, I'm sending you the biggest hugs that I possibly can.

💔,
Cassi