Christmas 2015

So.. first Christmas without my kids.. of course I'm going to write about it. I have been thinking about this day for weeks. At first I felt dread. How could I possibly survive a CHRISTMAS without my kids? But as the days passed, it got easier and easier to think about. I planned a weekend out with some friends, planned a Dallas trip to see my 2 BEST friends, and signed up to serve at one the candlelight services at my church on Christmas Eve.  Another friend has invited me over to crash brunch later today and then tomorrow my family will be here from Abilene and we have plans to visit more family the rest of the weekend. So I've had plenty to keep me distracted and busy. It's been good.

Overall, I have mostly felt peace but there have been a few moments where the loneliness has crept in. The end of last night's candlelight service was one of those times. Serving the cookies and wassail was great. I worked with a very sweet older woman who, even though I only talked to her for a couple of hours, I wish could be my life mentor. I want to write about her awesomeness but I don't even know how to put it into words. It turns out we have similar marriage and divorce stories, she has 2 boys like I do, and she even went to the same church in the Woodlands that I did before moving to Faithbridge. And even with everything she has been through, she had this pure joy about her. She was a breath of fresh air. After our time serving together, we parted ways and headed in to see the next candlelight service. I was in a really good place and it was a good service. But afterwards, I saw all of the families head out together and head to wherever they were going to spend the rest of Christmas Eve. And in that moment, even though I had just felt peace and contentment a few short minutes beforehand, the loneliness started finding it's way in. It was too much to see all those families together while I was alone. I wanted my kids. I wanted my mom and dad. I wanted my (late) grandparents. And I let that loneliness cloud my thoughts for the rest of the night. I went to bed wondering if I would have a dreadful Christmas Day after all and just wasn't looking forward to waking up.

But I didn't wake up feeling dreadful. Because here's the thing.. while I do miss my kids terribly and wish that I was with my family today, that is not. the. point. of. Christmas. And today, while I am alone, I haven't been distracted by the hustle and chaos that usually comes on this day. And it has turned out to be a pretty beautiful thing. Today, it's just me and my Jesus. I get to REALLY focus on what today means. How on this day over 2000 years ago, God broke the barrier between heaven and earth by taking on the form of man. When I really contemplate that, it's crazy to think about. This was the day that gave mankind HOPE and LIFE again. GOD y'all.. the One who made EVERYTHING.. the One who weaved me together and makes my heart beat every single day.. HE took on that that same fragile form. He who cannot die wrapped Himself up in human flesh with his own heartbeat and became one of us. He became someone fragile enough to die so that he could do JUST THAT. Die. He took on every aspect that it is to be human and he came humbly. As a baby. In a bed of hay in a stable. And why? Because love. Simply because He loves me. No complicated or selfish reasoning for it.. just pure, complete, and perfect love. It's crazy! Who does that?? Jesus does. No matter where we are or what we are going through this Christmas, we can and should still celebrate - because the good news of His birth is... GOOD. And it is for us all. For the broken and for the hurting and for the  mourning. That's what makes it so beautiful and wonderful and good.

My kids have 3 small gifts each from me this year that they will unwrap next week when I get them back, and this year I didn't bother with a tree or lights or decorations. Every Christmas tradition that I love and have always done was nonexistent this year. And I don't even care. Because all of those things are wonderful. They really really are. And I hope that I get to do it all next year. But Christmas is about so much more than traditions and I'm grateful to have this year of kind of being forced into really really understanding that.

Merry Christmas.

I'm Just a Summer Girl

Let me forewarn you that despite the title of this post, it is not actually about summer. It's the name of a song that will make more sense by the end if you're not familiar with it.

I'm actually writing about boys here. I feel like I may be turning into Taylor Swift a little bit with this whole writing about boys thing.. except for the part where I have absolutely zero musical talent so instead of writing songs that millions of people will buy which will in turn make me filthy rich, I'm just... well... writing. For free. To an audience of about 3. So I guess you win, Swift. You. Win. But whatever.   

So.. I started dating again last summer for the first time since my divorce a year and a half ago. And here is how meeting someone in real life went:

"Well hello there, cute man. Oh wait.. nice ring you have there."

"He seems nice. Maybe I'll go talk to him. Oh.. that's a very lovely family you have there, sir."

"Oh, you have a wife also? How nice for you. Carry on then."

Yeah. The number of available men my age is not as promising as it was when I was last in the dating world as a young 20 something year old. So after being talked into it by several  different people and actually seeing a few success stories myself, I succumbed to the world of online dating. There. I admitted it. Don't judge me. Anyway, once I got sort of used to the idea, I thought, "It can't be that bad. I'm a perfectly good catch and *I'm* on here. So surely I can find someone that isn't a crazy, stalker pedophile, serial killer.. right?" And you know, I actually did find someone nice fairly quickly. I'm not going to go into much detail about that relationship but we dated for a few months and then it didn't work out. It was nothing like the divorce so I didn't really feel the need to wait to jump back into the dating game. And back online I went. For all of about 6 minutes. Because I remembered that I had much more patience for all of the online nonsense last time than I do this time around. I mean for real. Look for yourself. I'm not revealing anyone's profile identity but these are some of the messages I have gotten..   

A mermaid? Really? And it's the first time you've seen one with a beautiful smile? So you've seen others that don't have a beautiful smile??? Where?

I'm not a grammar Nazi by any means but if you can't even spell "goes" right...

    
             You wrote three words and couldn't even write two of them out? Are you really just that lazy?

I guess this guy has a copy and paste method he uses for everyone he talks to and just missed that he already said it to me?

That's nice. But I don't date aliens so that might be a problem..

"Oh, she didn't respond in 30 minutes.. lemme send a smiley to remind her I wrote."

Um, I don't know you so I'm definitely not your sweetie, sweetie. Carry on.

                                                          Thanks for your enthusiasm I guess?

You can tell I'm honest can you? Because everyone is so honest on the internet. Glad you are intuitive enough to know me so well already.

      Well, since you HAVE to meet me...

  Again, I appreciate that you're trying to be complimentary but dude, come on.

If at first, you don't succeed, write again. And again. I mean, I COULD like the stalker type I guess

   "I hope your baby is fine?" I don't know what that even means. But ok. Oh wait, that didn't work so let's try to appeal to her spiritual side? I have nothing for this guy...

So there you have it. I'm going to do my own copy and paste with this picture because as arrogant as it may sound, it's just where I'm at right now..  

Last weekend, I went out with a couple of girlfriends and I was reminded of how much fun being single can be. We drank, we talked, and we laughed our freaking behinds off for hours on end. It was so much fun. And the added bonus of there being a cute bartender that was actually single and flirted with me didn't hurt either!

So "Summer Girl" is my current anthem and I am going to enjoy it for a while. To save you from having to google the lyrics, here are a couple of lines that refer to what I mean..

"I'm just a summer girl. I wear my flip flops...

Who needs a boyfriend? I got my girlfriends. 

And when we get together, the summer never ends"

Flip flops and girlfriends. What else can you ask for?