Am I allowed room to be blunt? Am I allowed room to feel like even though the world is absolutely such a beautiful place filled with so many beautiful people and so many beautiful moments, sometimes the world also just absolutely sucks at the exact same time? Am I allowed to feel hurt beyond what words can express without being judged or shamed for it just because its too hard for anyone else to deal with? Am I allowed to wish for things in this life that go deeper than what's at the surface level? Am I allowed to wish for someone, just one person, to feel all of those things with me so that I know I am not alone? Am I allowed to want to feel loved in a way that reaches my bones? Or is it all just too much too ask? Am I just being an over-dramatic attention seeker? Most of the world seems to think the latter. Better just put on my game face for the sake of a relentlessly indifferent world.
These are all thoughts that have filled my head recently. And as I think them, I also think of my oldest son: the child that I passed those over-emotional, overthinking genes onto. And my heart breaks into a million pieces knowing that he feels similar things. My heart breaks because I gave him those genes and I hate it for him. My heart breaks because feeling those things as an adult is hard enough. Feeling them as an adolescent when the pressure of the world seems to be at it's peak must be torture. My heart breaks because I want to run to him and tell him beyond the surface level of admittance that I know exactly what he is going through. That if he needs someone who understands, he doesn't have to feel it alone because I really truly understand. But can I tell him without also adding to the weight he already carries? Is that a burden about his mama that he needs to carry? I wish I had the answers.
But also, as all of these thoughts are coming into these written words, a part of me is grateful for the things learned from the realization of Korben's struggles. It has been so long since I have truly been open about this side of me. I've kept it tucked away while light-hearted surface-level Cassi makes all of the public appearances. And I wish I could say that it was for the benefit of other people, but the truth is that it was all selfishly based- because I didn't want to be judged by those other people. I didn't want to feel like even more of an outcast than what I was already feeling. At least I could pretend to fit in. And it's not that light-hearted Cassi is a fake Cassi.. the fun, light-hearted side is absolutely a part of who I am too. It's just not all of who I am.
But now I have a kiddo who is his mama's child. And I need to be an example for him. While I don't know how much is too much for him to know about my own struggles with feeling different from the world and the isolation that can accompany that, I need him to know that it's ok for him to feel the things that he feels. And to talk about those things without fear of judgement from a harsh and unforgiving world. And I can't tell him any of that if I am not also doing it myself. So this is my pledge to start to bring back that weirdo, complex, overthinking, feels-too-deep Cassi into public view. I will do everything in my power to be the example that my son needs. Here's to us weirdos, kiddo. I love you to the moon and back a thousand times.
🌙🌟🌟
