For a while, it was fun. I felt free.
Now I wonder if I am just forever a prodigal daughter? Sure, I always come home, but its not really home. Nowhere feels like home. Nowhere has ever felt like home. So I don't stay. I always leave again.
Its ironic that the day that broke me the most was the day that my child ran away for half of a day. I broke in angst of his safety, but I also broke in shame that I had failed him enough that he would even want to run away. And yet, running away is all I ever do. Or at least try. And for longer than half of a day. I try to run away from the pain of this life. The entrapment that I constantly feel. The loneliness.
But it always follows.
I'm trying to give up running away in favor of running towards something instead. At least there's meaning and purpose in that kind of running. But run towards what exactly? Nothing worth running towards seems obtainable. Everything worth reaching is not actually within reach.
I know the answer is to run towards Him.
He is within reach.
Except I'm still forever the prodigal daughter. He is enough, but I can't seem to let Him actually be enough. How do I stop from craving something more than the Source of my life? I'm the modern day Eve. Promised a life of fullness with Him, but rejecting that life for an empty hope of something better that I know doesn't even exist.
*I'm told that if I can shift my hope from the shaky things of this world to Him, that my hope will also shift from mere wishful thinking into a confident expectation that good is coming for me.
I know this to be true.
Still, I can't accept it.
*I'm told that I shouldn't follow the impulses of my ignorant self anymore now that I know God.
I also know this to be true.
Still, that's exactly what I do.
*I'm told to consider which of my passions are waging war on my soul. To decipher which of them are leading me to life and which of them are stealing from it?
I wish I knew how.
Still, I know He is good.
There is a reconciliation to be had between my freedom to choose who I become, and my inability to screw up His plan for who I am made to be.
I don't know if both can be true.
Still, I trust in both.
* (from https://passioncitychurch.com/message/hope-in-hard-times/)
