A Word of Thanks

81 days ago, I confessed my depression spell to the public who reads this blog.  A lot can happen in 81 days and writing is therapeutic so it seemed like a good time to write a little more of my story. 

There are LOADS of people who showed up to offer me love during my dark depression days. But a few women especially stick out that I want to talk about. 

When I was still on Facebook, I wrote a post about my time as an office aid in the counselor's office my senior year of high school and how much the people in that office impacted my life. While I was still in relationship limbo after the wedding was called off but I was still trying to figure out if the entire relationship needed to end or be mended, my high school counselor that I had posted about messaged me on Facebook. She asked if she could call me. I said yes and sent her my number. And y'all, literally within 20 seconds of me hitting "send," my phone was ringing. This woman that I have not seen or spoken to in 15 years made no hesitation to reach out to me and speak life into me. It blew my mind. I won't divulge the entire conversation, but one thing that stood out (besides the fact that she even remembered me after all these years), was when I asked her if she was disappointed that I had let depression take hold of me and I wasn't the same bubbly, enthusiastic, joyful girl she once knew. And she told me, "I could never be disappointed. And Cassi, you ARE that same girl. I can hear it in your voice. She just needs to find her way back out, that's all." Those were the exact words I needed to hear in that moment -not that I COULD be that same girl, but that I was already STILL that girl -and I fell apart in complete gratitude for that woman. And then I called my mom and cried to her as I retold her the story. Because duh. I'm an emotional mess and that's what us emotional messes do.

It was also somewhere along that time frame that I mustered up all the strength I could to contact my old counselor who helped me through my divorce. It took everything I had to contact her again because I had been in a pretty good place when I quit seeing her a couple of years ago.  I didn't want to admit to her that I wasn't strong enough to STAY in that good place. That I was now in fact in a WORSE place emotionally than when I had seen her the first time around. But she too, expressed zero disappointment in my then current emotional state of being. I thought I needed all of the answers on how to handle my life situation right then and there -but she gave me permission to be in limbo. I needed that permission so much. I needed to hear that it was ok to take my time and make a prayerful, clear-headed rational decision instead of rushing into a decision that would have been based on fleeting emotions. And over our next several sessions, she used her own past experiences to speak more life and truth into me. She used her own story to give me the hope of something better in my story. And when things started looking up again, she was there to rejoice with me. She offered her love and prayers and I know she followed through with her promises to pray over me. The world needs more of her. 

And finally, my two best friends. There were a couple of nights during the months of my depression that I couldn't hold myself together and completely lost it. When I thought I might follow through with my desire to die. Jennie and Laura were the ones I called when that happened. They were the ones I trusted to let in all the way without any walls whatsoever and see me in my worst state. The ones I knew I didn't have to pull myself together for and be strong for. They didn't see it in person, but they definitely heard me when I was at my absolute very lowest. They didn't listen to me cry, they listened to me wail sobs of complete and total misery.  They heard me cry out for death. And then they met me in my need. They offered to do whatever it took to keep me alive. And they meant it. And then they offered words of wisdom and truth that nobody else was willing to tell me. Man, I love them.

I had two choices during my depression days: trust Jesus - or die. That was it. So as much as I possibly could at the time, I gave my story over to Jesus and chose to trust him no matter what. Today, the depression is gone. That's not to say that there's no more sadness, because there definitely is. But I see the beauty in life again and instead of longing for death, I long for a purpose filled life. I remember when I got to a point where I could at least look forward to watching my boys grow up but I didn't think I would ever look forward to my own life anymore. But the One who loves me the most has rescued me. He has been at work all of these days and I really truly do look forward to my own life again! Jesus gets all of the credit for that. Words cannot be written to fully express the gratitude I have that I wasn't left to die in that dark place. And I'm so incredibly thankful for the people that had a part in his plan to rescue me. The ones I mentioned AND for so many others that also showed up and continue to show up. You all brought a piece of goodness into the world when you chose to show up for a girl who had lost her way and almost damn near lost her life. It's not enough and you deserve so much more, but to every single one of you, I send the biggest hugs I've got along with the biggest THANK YOU that can possibly be expressed in words.