So.. first Christmas without my kids.. of course I'm going to write about it. I have been thinking about this day for weeks. At first I felt dread. How could I possibly survive a CHRISTMAS without my kids? But as the days passed, it got easier and easier to think about. I planned a weekend out with some friends, planned a Dallas trip to see my 2 BEST friends, and signed up to serve at one the candlelight services at my church on Christmas Eve. Another friend has invited me over to crash brunch later today and then tomorrow my family will be here from Abilene and we have plans to visit more family the rest of the weekend. So I've had plenty to keep me distracted and busy. It's been good.
Overall, I have mostly felt peace but there have been a few moments where the loneliness has crept in. The end of last night's candlelight service was one of those times. Serving the cookies and wassail was great. I worked with a very sweet older woman who, even though I only talked to her for a couple of hours, I wish could be my life mentor. I want to write about her awesomeness but I don't even know how to put it into words. It turns out we have similar marriage and divorce stories, she has 2 boys like I do, and she even went to the same church in the Woodlands that I did before moving to Faithbridge. And even with everything she has been through, she had this pure joy about her. She was a breath of fresh air. After our time serving together, we parted ways and headed in to see the next candlelight service. I was in a really good place and it was a good service. But afterwards, I saw all of the families head out together and head to wherever they were going to spend the rest of Christmas Eve. And in that moment, even though I had just felt peace and contentment a few short minutes beforehand, the loneliness started finding it's way in. It was too much to see all those families together while I was alone. I wanted my kids. I wanted my mom and dad. I wanted my (late) grandparents. And I let that loneliness cloud my thoughts for the rest of the night. I went to bed wondering if I would have a dreadful Christmas Day after all and just wasn't looking forward to waking up.
But I didn't wake up feeling dreadful. Because here's the thing.. while I do miss my kids terribly and wish that I was with my family today, that is not. the. point. of. Christmas. And today, while I am alone, I haven't been distracted by the hustle and chaos that usually comes on this day. And it has turned out to be a pretty beautiful thing. Today, it's just me and my Jesus. I get to REALLY focus on what today means. How on this day over 2000 years ago, God broke the barrier between heaven and earth by taking on the form of man. When I really contemplate that, it's crazy to think about. This was the day that gave mankind HOPE and LIFE again. GOD y'all.. the One who made EVERYTHING.. the One who weaved me together and makes my heart beat every single day.. HE took on that that same fragile form. He who cannot die wrapped Himself up in human flesh with his own heartbeat and became one of us. He became someone fragile enough to die so that he could do JUST THAT. Die. He took on every aspect that it is to be human and he came humbly. As a baby. In a bed of hay in a stable. And why? Because love. Simply because He loves me. No complicated or selfish reasoning for it.. just pure, complete, and perfect love. It's crazy! Who does that?? Jesus does. No matter where we are or what we are going through this Christmas, we can and should still celebrate - because the good news of His birth is... GOOD. And it is for us all. For the broken and for the hurting and for the mourning. That's what makes it so beautiful and wonderful and good.
My kids have 3 small gifts each from me this year that they will unwrap next week when I get them back, and this year I didn't bother with a tree or lights or decorations. Every Christmas tradition that I love and have always done was nonexistent this year. And I don't even care. Because all of those things are wonderful. They really really are. And I hope that I get to do it all next year. But Christmas is about so much more than traditions and I'm grateful to have this year of kind of being forced into really really understanding that.
Merry Christmas.
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