Audio Adrenaline was my jam back in high school. I would sing out loud along to the lyrics of one of their songs, "Good Life." It's a song about losing everything and still claiming your life as good in the arms of Jesus. These days, that song has become one of my jams again. And this time, it rings a little more true than it ever could when I was 17 and my biggest loss in life was my high school crush never asking me out on a date or getting a speeding ticket in my 1993 fuchsia colored Geo Storm. There was that one time a group of us crashed a golf cart that didn't belong to us -but even those repercussions were pretty mild. I did lose the cd player in my Geo Storm several times from burglary. I always wondered what is was about a hot pink car that screamed, "Break in here -there's bound to be nice stuff in here!" That car got broken into so many times, I eventually couldn't get my driver side window replaced anymore because the part that controlled the manual window-roller-thingy got too jacked up. So my dad duct-taped plexiglass instead and I lost the luxury of going to drive-thru restaurants for quite some time. I suppose that really was kind of a big loss. I still don't take the ability to roll down my window and order a milkshake from Sonic for granted anymore.
I'm about three weeks into my 35th year of life and my losses have become quite a bit more significant. Thanks to cancer, Alzheimer's, and even a broken heart, I have lost all of my grandparents. I lost the comfort of having my 2 best friends around on a daily basis when I moved to Houston. I lost myself in a toxic marriage that ultimately ended in divorce and the loss of the marriage itself. That loss will forever mean the loss of a stable in-tact family for my kids. I thought those days would always be considered "my dark days." But then I tried to commit myself to another relationship that wasn't right -which led to a new feeling of being trapped and losing myself -which led to anxiety -which led to depression -which led to me almost dying. And let me tell you, that brought on a whole new definition to "my dark days."
And even now, I have lost a stable home with the news that the boys and I will have to move again next month. Thankfully, loved ones have offered to share their homes with us so we can still finish out the school year in Houston before making our big move back to Abilene. But I have no idea where we will actually end up for the last 8 weeks of school yet. Last month I also stopped receiving the child support that has been a constant for the past 4 years. And just within the last couple of weeks, I have lost the friendship of someone I very much love and have had to learn again that sometimes loving someone means letting them go to live their life in peace because you are more of a distraction in their life than you are doing any good for them. I had dinner with some of my Houston friends last night and realized that I will soon also be losing another group of people I love when we make our big move.
I have every reason to be downcast these days. But I'm not. In fact, I’m the exact opposite of that. In normal conversation I kind of down play this peace that I have because I'm scared of the way the truth will be perceived. I just say that everything has been working out so I'm just still going with the flow. But the truth is, my peace runs deeper than that. When I got divorced 4 years ago, I trusted God to take care of me. And He did. I went from not having to worry about money at all to being so broke that I didn't have even an extra $10 to spare after all of my bills were paid. BUT. All of my bills were always paid. And I went to bed every night in a warm bed. And I tucked my kids into warm beds every night. And every morning, we all took hot showers and ate food from our pantry that always had food in it. And eventually I had enough money for some of the fun adventurous stuff too. Then a few months ago, I fell into the depression. I was so empty inside that I had barely anything to even offer Jesus. I wasn't sure I had anything to give at all. But I wanted to give what I had, no matter how minuscule it was. And it turns out, that was enough. It. Was. Enough.
These last few months, weeks, and days have been some of the craziest of my life. Every single long term plan I have made for my life has been turned upside down and I have had to put more trust in God than I ever had to before in my life. And that complete and total trust in His love for me and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that His plan for my life is GOOD.. that has brought a kind of joy and peace that truly does surpass understanding. That doesn't mean that every single day is filled with fake smiles that try to pretend the hard stuff isn't still hard. I'm not suddenly some one-dimensional being that doesn't have any other feelings except happiness. I still have hard days and I still feel pain and sometimes even the anxiety tries to sneak back in. Jesus himself knows the goodness of God far better than I can grasp, but even He still feels sadness also. When Lazarus died, Jesus knew He was going to bring him back to life, but that didn't mean He put on a fake smile and pretended like the death didn't deserve mourning. Instead, He wept. And when His cousin, John the Baptist died, Jesus didn't walk around telling everyone, "It's cool, guys! I know how the story ends so just keep being happy!" No. Even though He did know how the ultimate story ends, He mourned his death and went away to be alone to grieve in peace. And even when He was on His way to the cross to serve the ultimate purpose of His life, He KNEW what GOOD would come from it, but He still asked, "Father, if there is another way, let this cup pass from me." And when God said there wasn't another way, He willingly went. But He didn't do it with a cheery smile pretending that it wasn't painful. That's not how true peace works.
What having the peace of God DOES mean though, is that I can endure the painful and uncertain parts of my life with strength and confidence because I know who I belong to and I know that His love for me is perfect. PERFECT. I can rest in knowing that His perfect love for me isn't given in a way that the world gives because His love is so much grander and bigger than what the world can give. And it means that the good days are filled with a kind of joy that goes deeper than what the definition of basic happiness brings. One of my favorite Bible verses is Matthew 6:26 that says, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" And even early this morning as I was thinking about all of the questions I have about my future, I heard a single bird start to sing. What a sweet reminder.
Just like Audio Adrenaline says in their song, this is the good life...
And blister in the sun
Everything I've ever had is unraveled and undone
I've set upon a worthless stack
Of my ambitious plans
And the people that I've loved the most
Have turned their backs and ran
I've lost everything
I could ever want
And ever dream of
I found everything
I could need
Here in your arms
For someone to love
Poverty has changed my view
Of what true riches are
Sorrow's opened up my eyes
To see what real joy is
Pain has been the catalyst
To my heart's happiness
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